The problem

Between my 15 and 21 years I lived feeling sorry for myself because of how bad I considered myself as a person, I did not like the thoughts that sometimes went through my head and how they made me feel.

I used to think that just one of those thoughts would lead me straight to hell, and that just asking God for forgiveness from my heart was not enough for me to feel forgiven, or to feel less guilty of my wicked mind.

I know that many will go on the morbid side to think that I am talking about things in the sexual sphere, but surprise, it was not only about that, when I say not only, it is obvious that I did have that kind of weighing as every young person does, and even mature adults in the faith also struggle with these thoughts.

But I am not only talking about struggles in this area, I am also talking about envy, strife, gossip, greed, desires for things outside of me, and, how about these horrible thoughts that come to your head? about someone stumble and fall to the ground thoughts, which I constantly found myself reprimanding, thoughts that in my understanding, come from hell itself because they were involuntary.

I thought that the problem was me, and that I was bad (of perverse mind), and that my prayer asking for forgiveness was not enough.

I remember as a teenager, slapping myself in the face with great anger towards myself for the things that were going through my mind, things that i did not forgive myself. for

I always had a much lower regard for myself than even others could have for me, and don't get me wrong, these struggles were only in my mind.

On the outside I never showed these things, I was always very obedient, and very reserved in the church, in the sense of these things, I sang in the worship ministry since I was 15 years old, I always had enough fear of God to never fall into the game of my own thoughts, but if I must say that they were the cause of me making many bad decisions in my life or of the lack of character to say no to certain things.

Caused me suffering that I could not even describe, emotional instability, anxiety attacks, aggressive behavior towards those closest to me, bad answers to who ever person crosses in front of me in a bad moment, attitude problems, and also causing me to even made my mother cry because of an anxiety attack that made me attack her verbally.

All out of a need to defend myself, because I refused to be accused or blamed for things or told the truth to my face, because I couldn't bear it and felt the need to attack backwards.

However, on the other hand, I loved to be frank, and tell the truth to people in their faces, hurt back to whoever hurtes me, I used to say "whoever loves me loves me as I am, period", as if others had the obligation to deal with me because of my pretty face.

But the day I made my mother cry something triggered in me, because I felt that i had already come far enough, further than the guilt and my conscience could let me continue.

And what was my first step? Recognize that I was wrong and needed help, Who did I seek help from? From God, only my family and I knew about this process, and some of my close friends noticed something slight because I was separated from everyone for months.

The revelation

At that time, a retreat had been scheduled with the worship ministry and some church leaders, in a place I think in Gurabo, Santiago, RD., I think 10 years or more has past since then. That day there were several speakers and preachings, until the last preaching arrived, which from the Pastor Elvis Sahad, my pastor since I was 12 years old. He preached about grace, I had already heard him preach about it before, but that day I felt something different, I suppose my spirit was already ready to listen and receive, and you know what? That day, for the first time in my life, I received a revelation of what God's grace was, which goes beyond the simple translation of “unmerited favor”.

I do not remember exactly the words of Pastor Sahad, but I do remember perfectly that he spoke of grace as an infinite love, greater than my sins, greater than my thoughts, and that everything that tormented me at that moment, that God's grace is not conditional of my actions, but is given to each and every one of us out of love.

I see it this way; Grace is God's decision to bless us instead of cursing us, even though we are deserving of the worst because of our sinful nature, God decides to give us the best, remember that I told you above that I thought that every day I lost my salvation with the minimum bad thought that I had?

If it were so easy to lose salvation then grace had an expiration date or limits, but it is not like that, it goes much further.

When I was listening to these words, what I was hearing couldn't fit in my little head, I could hardly believe it, so many years being redeemed by his grace and yet living as a slave to sin, but the Holy Spirit convinced my spirit that This was true, and since then, I was never the same, I cannot say that my transformation was overnight, but I can say that I began to see life with more color.

The conviction

When in the bible says, take care of your salvation with fear and trembling, it is not because you are in a game of hot and cold and that God lives with the game that he gives it to you, takes it away, gives it to you, takes it away, gives it, takes it away again, noooooo, what this means is that we should not have salvation as it is nothing, but we must treasure it and recognize the sacrifice and the fact that today we enjoy it, many people knowing God's grace misused it and take advantage of it or they go to extremes with the doctrine of "saved always saved" remember that God sees your heart and life flows from it, if in your heart there is sin, rottenness, envy, strife, gossip, problems, ungratefulness, etc. Do you think that will really flow life in it? remember that in the word it says “by their fruits you will know them”.

In Philippians 2:12 it says; 'So then, my dear ones, just as you have always obeyed [my instructions with enthusiasm], not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence, continue to work out your salvation [that is, cultivate it, bring it to full effect, actively pursue spiritual maturity] with awe-inspired fear and trembling [using serious caution and critical self-evaluation to avoid anything that might offend God or discredit the name of Christ]. This is in the translation Amplified bible AMP.

In other translations like New King James Version NKJV, it says: "work out your salvation with fear and trembling."

Many assumed that this passage spoke that it was easy to lose it, and that we should take care of it with fear and trembling, but if we read other translations and go to the context of the word we can see that what it refers to is living a life of reverence , honoring the favor or grace of such a great salvation, that we do not take salvation lightly, but that we live according to what we profess, and that just as Paul says, that they not only behave well while he is there, but they behave even better when he is not around.

Why do I tell you this? Because for me, knowing this was liberating, and allowed me to understand that God is greater than sin and my lust that corrodes me, greater than my fears, my doubts, and my thoughts, that God loves me for Above all things, and even knowing that I was bad, and that I did not deserve anything good, he sent his only son, and sacrificed him for me, and even more, that Jesus loves the father and this humanity so much, that he voluntarily gave himself and obeyed the heavenly father to the utmost for me.

So knowing this, why do I condemn myself? Why do I suffer so much for things that God has already forgiven ?, He knows that in my nature I will always suffer these things, Jesus is so good, that before leaving, he left us a promise which he fulfilled and is to leave us a comforter and a helper, since that He knew that alone we were not going to be able, and this is the gift of the Holy Spirit, thanks to the Holy Spirit of God is that today we can live a better life, and bearing fruit one hundredfold, away from sin and evil, and wicked thoughts, but still knowing that if at some point we fall, or think again what we should not, if we repent from the heart, the Lord forgives us and the Spirit convicts us and helps us not to fall again.

The change

I left the retreat with a renewed mind, however it took me a long time and I could say that even suffering to change my attitude, it was a lot about God and little about me, what was about me was my will to change, but the Most of the work, God had it with me, my task was to let myself be molded, and believe me, that when God molds you, it hurts, but the result is more than gratifying.

During those months I was alone, and with a constant mental struggle, apart from the fact that, when the enemy knows that the clay is in the hands of the potter, he will do whatever it takes to spoil the clay, he will even ask God himself for permission to shake you.

The weapon

I remember having dreams and visions brought by the same enemy to confuse and tempt me, because my mind was still weak, and I needed to strengthen it, but remember that God has equipped us with a powerful spiritual armor.

In Ephesians 6:17 it says; "Take also the helmet of salvation",

Why the helmet of salvation? This is a war helmet, which is obviously placed on the head, protects your ears, your eyes, and your brain (vital organ) from any dart or blow that the enemy can throw. Why of salvation? Because salvation represents IDENTITY, and this my beloved brothers, was exactly what I lacked, to recognize that I am a DAUGHTER OF GOD, and that I am valuable, that I am the apple of his eye, and that I am no longer called a sinner, but redeemed and sanctified, through the blood of Jesus Christ.

To finish I will leave you with these verses;

Psalm 73: 22-28

'Then I was senseless and ignorant; I was like a beast before You. Nevertheless I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand. You will guide me with Your counsel, And afterward receive me to honor and glory. Whom have I in heaven [but You]? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the rock and strength of my heart and my portion forever. For behold, those who are far from You will perish; You have destroyed all those who are unfaithful and have abandoned You. But as for me, it is good for me to draw near to God; I have made the Lord G od my refuge and placed my trust in Him, That I may tell of all Your works.'

#letstalkaboutgrace